The Earliest Memory

I thought about it today, 

when I said that I was fine,

I thought about it on my drive home, passing the familiar sign.

I thought about it today, while you stared into your phone,

I thought about it at work, feeling so alone.

I thought about it today, wondering if it would hurt,

I thought about it today, wondering who’d miss me first.

I thought about my children, their lives so unaware,

I thought about it today, feeling heavy with despair.

I thought about my wrongs, the guilt that I own,

I thought about my absence, like a shadow unknown.

I thought about it today, the life that I’ve shown,

And the haunting realization, that I won’t be missed when I’m gone.

 

   Maggie sat in her office, tapping her fingers on the keyboard. She stared at the computer screen, rereading a poem she had written. She couldn't remember the last time she had written one. High school maybe? When Maggie wrote poems, it meant she was in her darkest moments. She wondered how'd she gotten to this point. What happened to her?

   Maggie struggled with bouts of PTSD, anxiety, and fear of men. She knew that this started with her very first memory of a man, with a mullet. 

Echoes of Terry: The Unseen Scars

PART I

   Maggie's earliest memory, a defining moment that altered her brain chemistry, takes her back to when she was just three years old, living in a small, yellow house in a section 8 housing development. The house, though bright on the outside, felt heavy with the struggles. She and her older sister, Sarah, were in a heated argument over a red Dalmatian shirt, Sarah, six at the time, clung tightly to it. 

   Their mother, Violet, young and beautiful, was working long hours to make ends meet. Violet had given birth to Sarah at nineteen and Maggie three years later. She hadn't been much of a mother to Sarah, who spent most of her young life living with her grandmother while Violet partied. When Violet became pregnant with Maggie, her mother demanded she get an abortion. When Violet refused, her mother kicked her out of the house. This was the reality they were now navigating. 

   In the midst of their argument, Violet's boyfriend Terry- a red-headed man with a mullet, beard, and mustache- burst into the room. His face twisted in anger, he began beating Sarah. He then yanked the shirt away from her and threw it at Maggie. Even at such a young age, Maggie knew this was wrong. The guilt she felt was overwhelming, but all she could do was try to comfort her sister, who lay on the worn carpet, crying in pain, her face red and blotchy. Maggie no longer wanted the shirt and tried to give it back to Sarah, feeling the heavy burden of guilt and helplessness. 

   This was just one of many memories of Terry. There were other times he shouted and broke things, causing Maggie and Sarah to cower in fear. Once, he threw a chair through a window during a heated argument with Violet, shards of glass scattering like ominous rain. Violet, unaware of the extent of Terry's abuse, often dismissed their fears, too wrapped up in her struggles and the naivety of her youth. 

Part II 

   One evening, Maggie was at the local bowling alley with her mother, Violet. The bustling noise of pins crashing and laughing filled the air as Maggie ran around playing. After a while, she became extremely hot and thirsty. Desperately needing a drink, she approached her mother, who was busy socializing with her friends.

 "Mommy, can I have something to drink?" Maggie asked, tugging Violet's sleeve. Violet, distracted, pointed across the room. "Go ask Terry to get you something."

Reluctantly, Maggie approached Terry, who was lounging with his friends, a cold drink in is hand. " Terry, can I have something to drink, please? she asked timidly. 

   Annoyed by the interruption, Terry glanced down at her and, without wanting to leave his spot, handed her the cold drink he was holding. Maggie, parched and desperate, gulped it down greedily, only to spit it out immediately. The taste was disgusting, bitter and metallic, something no three-year old should ever experience. 

   Terry's face twisted in anger. "Either drink it or get nothing at all," he barked. Maggie's thirst was so intense that she felt she had no choice but to comply. She gagged with every swallow, tears welling in her eyes. Not even an hour later, she felt disoriented and sick, her small body unable to handle the alcohol. Dizzy and barely able to walk, it became clear that Terry had given her beer. 

Part III

   The terror of Terry finally came to an end one fateful day. Violet was off and in a rare, playful mood, laughing and playing with her daughters in the living room of their small, yellow house. As she tickled and giggled with them, the room filled with the sound of laughter. In the midst of the fun, Sarah suddenly cried out in pain as Violet playfully wrestled her. Violet froze, her heart pounding. The day before- Sarah had taken a violent beating from Terry. Violet was forced to see the truth- that Terry had been abusing Sarah. The bruises and welts on Sarah's body were undeniable evidence. 

   Though Violet didn't call the cops or report the abuse, she made a decisive move. She threw Terry out of the house, and they never saw him again. Unfortunately, Terry was just the first in a string of abusive men who entered their lives. Maggie always wondered why Terry spared her and only beat Sarah.

   These memories stayed with Maggie, stark reminders of the early struggles and the deep bond she shared with her sister. They are parts of her story, shaping who she is today.